the truth is..

i've been struggling lately. i mean, struggling. it is funny how one thing starts to feel hard and then, before you know it, everything feels like an insurmountable task and you find yourself fighting back tears all day and day dreaming about hiding in your bed. at least it's that way for me.

the past few weeks have not been easy for me and because they have not been easy for me, they haven't exactly been a joy ride for everyone else in our home. here's the thing, i really really want to list off all the things that justify my poor attitude and struggle. i really do. it would make me feel better about myself and chances are you would probably agree that i'm somewhat justified in my complaints and general unpleasantness. unfortunately, that's not really going to help at the end of the day and will likely only fuel my self-pity when it comes down to it.

you know those days that we all have sometimes? the ones that leave us feeling like a failure of a mother, wife, friend, etc? the days when we had too little patience, yelled when we shouldn't have and put forth the bare minimum in our relationships? we all have them every now and then. unfortunately, i've been having that day for the past 3 weeks or so. every night i will go to bed planning for tomorrow to be better. vowing to muster up more energy and patience for the day ahead. i cry about how i'm wasting these last few days with my two babies before my time and energy are spread even more thin with the arrival of their new sibling. but, every morning i wake up tired, sore and feeling like i have no idea how i will survive the next 13 hours until bed time comes again.

yesterday, i finally had enough of hard day that i reached out to a friend. not in a huge way, but just a simple & quick text admitting that i had been struggling and asking for prayer. up until then, i'd just been accepting it as what life would be like until at least June 24th.

there is something about the power of community and knowing someone who gets it is praying for you. i know this person is sincere in their commitment to pray.  today was probably the best day we've had in weeks. it wasn't because i made good on my vow to "do better" either. i am convinced it was because God used the sincere prayers of my sweet friend for my good.

sometimes, it is easy to neglect praying when someone needs help and instead go straight to "doing". doing is nice and tangible and makes us feel useful. it definitely is needed and has it's place but it cannot replace the work God will do through the prayers of His children.

here's the thing, parenting is hard work. growing babies and taking care of small children is hard work. please don't ever let anyone try to convince you otherwise. i do think the load feels a little lighter though when we all admit it's hard work and that we just downright fail at it some days. i'm so thankful for the community God has placed in my life. i'm SO thankful for the many, many women around me who "get it", who aren't afraid to admit that's hard, that they suck sometimes too and who will truly pray when praying is needed.

"13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."james 5

today...

things abbey says

a few weeks ago when i was painting abbey's nails, she looked down at her legs and said "wow, there is hair on my legs. i'm turning into a daddy!"

every now and then she will say that her leg or foot is "sparkling" and i've figured out that it means it has fallen asleep.

yesterday i told her that i wish i had somewhere to go swimming, to which she replied "well, we just have to get you a big swimsuit so you can go to the really big pool." awesome. (note, i am currently 8.5 mths pregnant so, really, i see her point...)

after using the potty a few days ago she looked into the toilet and said "my poop look like a hammer. i have tools in my belly!"

last month we were at my parent's house for a few days and my dad was trying to make abbey watch the t.v. show Lassie instead of the cartoon she requested. after about 5 mins she looked up and said "you know what campy (that is what they call my dad), i think i'm too little for this show! i think this show is for big kids." clever.

i walked into her room last week and was looking at her class picture from her preschool class this year. she looked up and said "mommy, i was just thinking how i wish these friends were real and they were all really in here now." she just loves people.

in 5 weeks and 3 days i will have a newborn. that is not very far away. i am not even going to pretend that i have high hopes for this whole thing to be a smooth transition. why do i feel this way?

this child.


this sweet, funny and ridiculously cute (almost) 18 month old boy. i'm sure his 3 year old sister will play a decent role in the chaos to come but i fully expect him to be mostly responsible for what will surely be the loss of all my sanity in 5 weeks and 3 days.

don't get me wrong, he really is a good baby (toddler?), he is just very interested in his environment. he walks around the house looking for things to get into, destroy, climb on, pull apart, eat or throw in the trash. he really appreciates being held on demand and has taken a new interest in literally pulling on my clothes and whining when i cannot meet those demands immediately. so you know, i have this mental image of holding (likely nursing) a newborn in one hand, getting a snack for abbey with the other and having this little guy trying to literally climb up my legs while screeching. it's a pretty image, one i am most certain will happen on a daily basis.

so, when people ask me if i'm ready to have this baby i don't really know how to respond. ha. yes, i am ready to get a baby out of my body. absolutely. i am looking forward to the newborn stage again, meeting our new baby girl and figuring out life with 3 kids. am i ready for the daily chaos and next level of exhaustion and selflessness that will come with that? probably not, but i have a feeling no one really is so i think we'll be fine.

^{9 "}But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 2:9

the more i hear this song, the more i like it. the video was the best i could find.

"i know who goes before me,
i know who stands behind,
the God of angel of armies
is always by my side..."

somehow, i am 8 months pregnant with only 7 weeks to go. the one benefit to having repeat c-sections is knowing when the end will come. June 24th is our day. cannot get here soon enough.

up until about 2 weeks ago i really felt like i wasn't in a hurry for this pregnancy to end. usually i start counting down the weeks from the minute i find out i'm pregnant but this time i just haven't had time to put much thought into it. but now, i.am.ready.

this pregnancy has been identical to abbey's from the get go. when i was pregnant with tucker i remember thinking that maybe i was just being over dramatic in the last month or so of abbey's pregnancy when i complained about not being able to sleep or breath well. unfortunately, i am finding out that i was not being over dramatic. sad face. i am just not sleeping much these days. not because i am not exhausted but because it is hard to be comfortable (especially in our ever shrinking full size bed..) and because i just feel too alert and unable to settle down. this baby his super high which means breathing feels like work and i pretty much always have indigestion. all of these things were my biggest complaints with abbey but weren't even an issue with tucker. dang girls. all that to say, i've really had it easy up until now and for that i am thankful.

Abbey Lately

Abbey will be 3.5 at end of this month and I feel like it has been awhile since I've made a note of what she is up to and into these days.

This girl. I don't even know where to start. She is more and more grown up everyday. Not only in the way she acts and talks but also literally-she will not slow down on the growing! I can't keep her in clothes that fit and she is now wearing at 5t or a small in the big girl section :( All of her clothes that she got for her birthday back in November no longer fit her at all and she is outgrowing all shoes on what seems like a weekly basis. What's not growing? That would be her hair :) Hopefully year 4 will be the year of hair growth for our girl.

She is really into princess stuff (still not my favorite but I've stopped fighting it as much) and tells us pretty much everyday that pink and purple are her favorite colors.

She spends a great chunk of her days coloring, drawing or putting puzzles together at the kitchen table. She drew her first "family portrait" a couple weeks ago completely unprompted and I was impressed that she made the figures proportionate (which gregg being the tallest and tucker the smallest).

She loves Tucker and is trying to be motherly with him these days. They still fight and she can still be a little rough with him at times, but overall I feel like she is moving more into a mode of taking care of him. When she hears him wake up she likes to run into his room and turn the lamp on and his fan off and she will usually say "good morning little boy! i'm so happy to see you." If I am too slow to get in there she will go grab toys to dump into his crib to help occupy him. As soon as he starts to cry for any reason she will run and grab his blanket for him because she knows he always wants it if he is upset.

She does a lot of pretend play these days and still loves being around friends. She is the opposite of a shy except for when she decides she wants to be shy and she usually informs us beforehand that she is going to be shy in certain situations. She scares super easily and is really sensitive to anything that seems sad. It is hard to find shows for her to watch that don't have some element of scary or sad in them but she truly gets upset so easily that I try to be very careful about what she watches. she has no use for pants. as soon as she wakes up in the  morning or comes home she takes her pants off. at some point we will have to stop this but for now it is pretty hilarious. She is fun, smart, funny, clever, loving and independent. She definitely challenges us at times but overall she is really a sweet girl.